Most of us have endured the annoyance and irritation of airport security. Yeah, yeah. It’s for our safety. But as we all know, it’s a pain in the ass. Sometimes it can be completely mortifying. Once en route to Berlin, I found myself taking off my shoes, my belt and then getting my tits fondled by a brusque German security officer. I refer to this as, “The Time I Got Felt Up In Frankfurt.” That big, scary bitch didn’t even buy me dinner first. Afterwards, I started to think about how certain historical figures would have dealt with these stringent security rules and embarrassing airport moments. I came up with this list:
1. Frank Sinatra
“Look baby, I’m not takin’ off my shoes. It just ain’t classy. No way.”
2. Mae West
“You wanna x-ray me? Oh, honey. Well, it’s better to be looked over than overlooked.”
3. Oscar Wilde
“One should either be a work of art or wear a work of art…What? Place my velvet waistcoat in this bin? With my shoes? How incredibly distasteful.”
4. Napoleon
“Qu’est-ce que c’est? Mais non! Pas moi!”
5. Truman Capote
“Well, I’m about as tall as a shotgun and just as noisy. What? No, you moron! I said I’m about as tall as a shotgun. I didn’t say I had one. Oh, honestly. This is just ridiculous.”
6. Elvis
“Don’t you step on my blue suede shoes…Huh? Take ’em off?”
7. Al Capone
“Whaddya mean I can’t take my piece on the plane?”
8. Andy Warhol
“Ohhhhhhhh. How funny. I don’t know what to say. Mmmm.”
9. Liberace
“You want me to put all my rings in this little basket? Ugh. So tacky.”
10. Jean-Paul Sartre
“Merde. It really is true! Hell is other people.”
Daruma Eye 