Hello to all my readers far and wide! (Yeah. Okay. That may be a bit of a stretch. Hello to the three of you, not a particularly far nor wide audience.) It’s been a while since I’ve assaulted you with a new blog post. I’ve been dealing with some difficult tasks over the past couple months and haven’t really felt the urge.
But all that changed today.
There I was at the gym, sweating away on the bike, wearing my pit-stained Coney Island t-shirt from 2004, reading an old issue of “The Week” magazine. (Magazine pickin’s are slim at my gym, unlike my thighs. It was either that or a Spanx catalogue.)
I come across the “It Must Be True, I Read It In The Tabloids” section. I find out that in the French town of Arcachon, there is a 10-foot-high naked statue of Hercules. It’s been standing in Mauresque Park since 1948. But over the years, this sad bastard has been castrated by vicious vandals many, many times. I’m talking about thieves in the night stealing his schlong, robbing him of his manhood, absconding with his dong.
Fed up French officials finally came up with a solution: a detachable prosthetic penis. Apparently the penis will only be attached during special ceremonies in this park.
Now, as usual, I have about a hundred questions that weren’t answered in the article, but I’ll restrict it to five:
- How do they decide which ceremonies are “penis-worthy?” Is there a committee that gathers to take a vote? “Pierre, I’m sorry. But I have to veto this one. I simply cannot sign off on this. It’s just not a penis-worthy event.”
2. How long does the penis stay attached? Is there a time limit? Does a buzzer go off?
3. Who has the job of attaching the ceremonial penis? Is there a title that goes with this job?
4. Where is the ceremonial penis stored when not in use? Does it have a special carrying case? Or does the Ceremonial Penis Attacher simply throw it in a shoe box and march it to the park?
5. Can I have the job of Ceremonial Penis Attacher? Please?