Donna and Herb’s Holiday News Letter

The Big House

Why, is that a partridge sitting in your pear tree? Oh yes, Friends and Family, it’s that season when we make merry, drink eggnog and Herb’s cookie dusted mustache tingles with holiday joy!

This year was a busy one for Herb and me. After Herb’s home brewery came to an abrupt and unpleasant end, we searched for a new way to supplement our income.

[Note to The Thompsons: Your son Todd’s disgusting, urine-soaked prank defiled the good name of Herb Hop IPA forever. That boy is a menace to society and craft beer.]

Naturally, we decided the most reasonable thing to do was to breed ferrets for profit in our basement. Such lively creatures! Really so much fun. They only bit Herb a few times. Of course, buying that plastic groin guard was a big help.

We enjoyed our new business venture so much that we decided to attend a ferret breeders’ convention in El Paso, Texas. We even bought some beautiful Ricardo® Beverly Hills luggage from Home Shopping Network for our trip.

At first everything was going great. We met a very nice fellow at the airport, who offered to keep an eye on our Ricardo® Beverly Hills luggage while I bought some Cheez-Its and Herb went to the bathroom. The flight was good (but what’s with these sourpuss stewardesses? Honestly. Whatever happened to service with a smile?) And our hotel was wonderful. They’d just redecorated the lobby. It looked like a fancy French palace—with a free pancake and waffle bar!

However, once we got to the room, everything went downhill. I had just noticed our view of the parking lot when there was a knock at the door. I thought maybe it was a free fruit basket. Or a Hickory Farms sausage and cheese sampler. But it was the DEA! They stormed in, ripped open our Ricardo® Beverly Hills luggage and we were shocked to discover seven kilos of cocaine, nestled between Herb’s hemorrhoid pillow and my Jaclyn Smith nightgown!

We protested our innocence. “We’re not dope dealers! We’re here for the ferret breeders convention!” But it fell on deaf ears. They hustled us out. We tried to show them the sign for the convention, but as it turns out, we were at the wrong hotel.

[Note to The “Ferrets for Fun and Profit” Society: Your brochure is very confusing.]

They booked and fingerprinted us. My poor Herb even suffered a prolonged and invasive cavity search. But luckily for us, we were wearing our Christmas outfits when they took our mugshots, so we could send you this festive card! It just goes to show…holiday miracles happen when you least expect them!

Blowing Snow-Covered Kisses,

Donna and Herb




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