Cue the Joys of Autumn: It’s Cozy Time

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I don’t give a shit what the temperature is out there.

Labor Day weekend is over and it’s Cozy Time.

Ignore the thermometer, give the weather reporter the cold shoulder. You’re pulling out that oversized sweater and stretching the sleeves down to cover your hands as you cradle a soothing mug of herbal tea. Ah! Such warmth and comfort. Hearth and home. Plus you look so damn cute. You hear that sound? Why, that’s the crackling fireplace behind you, your butt crack becoming a river of sweat as you embrace the cozy season.

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Wrap a cranberry colored scarf around your damp neck as you head off to go apple picking. No, you don’t know what you’re going to do with all those apples and frankly the whole thing is a pain in the ass, but fuck it. Apple picking is a cozy autumnal thing to do and you need photos, pronto. While you’re at it, put on your new boots and find some burnt sienna leaves to crunch through. Throw your head back in laughter, delighting in the crisp, cool autumn day. No, it doesn’t matter that the temperature is still 85 degrees. It’s Cozy Time, damn it, and nothing will stand in your way. You’re gonna wear that wool cap, your hair a dank, moist nest of nastiness underneath, because you look so fucking autumnally adorable.

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You’re going to a museum. Then a pumpkin patch. You’re gonna drink the hell out of your hot cider–with a cinnamon stick in it. “I love fall!” you’ll exclaim as you wipe the sweat mustache off of your upper lip.

You’re gonna make a trip to Bath and Body Works for some scented candles with names like “Marshmallow Fireside” and “Sweater Weather” and “Radiant Red Maple”. You won’t buy the pumpkin spice candle. C’mon. It’s too basic. Everybody knows that. But you just might stop by Starbucks and buy that embarrassing pumpkin spice latte on the sly. C’mon. It’s tradition!

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With your stockpile of flickering, aromatic, earth-toned candles, your apartment will smell like a rom com weekend in Vermont with a great guy who looks so perfect in his shaker knit sweater. Actually, this isn’t true. It will reek of some sickly combination of chemically manufactured maple syrup and vanilla. But you’re gonna breathe in deeply, smiling as you take in the wonders of the autumnal season.

Why? Because it’s Cozy Time.

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