Notes On Tossing Your Own Salad

Well well well. I guess there’s some dirt left in this dirty old town after all. The other night I discovered all that our fears about New York losing its edge have been unfounded. Yes, it appears this deli on 3rd Avenue is facilitating self-pleasure along with baked goods. Indeed, this is a magical place where you can Toss Your Own Salad!

A few thoughts:

1. Just because you advertise it, doesn’t mean I can actually achieve it. I know Manhattan is filled with yoga enthusiasts, but this seems like a pretty advanced technique.

2. With its placement next to “Toss Your Own Salad”, now the phrase “Pick a Bagel” seems curiously masturbatory. Like “flicking your bean” or “buttering your biscuit”. As in: “OMG! I’m soooo embarrassed right now. Mom just barged into my room and caught me picking my bagel.”

3. The owners of this deli are in on the joke, right? I mean, how many times have drunken frat boys stumbled in and hollered, “Bro! I want to toss my own salad!” before puking outside?

4. Even if it were humanly possible, would you really want to toss your own salad? I’ve never experienced a salad toss. I know there are plenty of nerve endings up in there. But I still assumed half the pleasure was wrapped in, “Damn. I can’t believe this motherfucker has his tongue up my ass.”

5. This deli really needs to make some t-shirts with this slogan on them.

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