Donna and Herb’s Holiday Newsletter 2014

[NOTE: If you didn’t receive the newsletter this year, here it is for your reading pleasure! For those of you who haven’t met Donna and Herb yet, here’s a link to previous newsletters. DONNA AND HERB Enjoy!]

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Konichiwa Kris Kringle fans! It’s that holly jolly time of year when we say domo arigatou for friends and family!

What’s with all the Japanese words? Well, this year Herb and I opened up a martial arts center at the Value Rite Plaza! (We took the space between Pants Towne and Shoe Carnival.) We lucked out when MAPP (Mothers Against Porn Perversion) got the erotic bakery shut down. Good riddance. That place was a sin factory; selling unseemly baked goods like Cock-o-lot Chip Cookies and Semen Meringue Pie. The final straw was when Cheryl Pillchuck caught her son Wade violating a Red Vulva Cake in their rumpus room. Imagine a mother’s heartbreak; finding her son smothered in pervert dessert, moaning under the Thomas Kinkade painting.

So Herb and I took over erotic bakery space, removed the “Erection Confections” sign and replaced it with “Karate Korner”. The first month was pretty good. Herb was a wonderful instructor. So patient with everyone. Even Betty Yarmouth, who never got the hang of her high kicks, which always seemed to land in the most unfortunate places. On the downside: we endured persistent foot fungus outbreaks on the mats.

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Note to The Thompsons: I’m not saying for sure that your son is the Typhoid Todd of foot fungus, but the evidence is very compelling.

Business was steadily increasing until one Wednesday when calamity struck Karate Korner. Betty Yarmouth noticed a mouse scurrying under the closet. Todd Thompson said one ran over his foot. Herb came barreling out of the bathroom and said one landed on his head while he was “taking care of business.” Then there was a stampede as all of our karate pupils ran for the front door.

We called the exterminators in. They wound up tearing down a wall, which to our horror revealed a secret space teeming with mice. Even worse, they were all gorging on erotic baked goods! It turns out the erotic bakers thought they’d have the last laugh by leaving a stockpile of their inventory for the mice to live on. You just don’t know how disgusting it is to find a family of mice chowing down on Red Vulva Cake.

Afterwards, we tried to get our pupils back. But word got out around town and Karate Korner became known as Mouse Manor. Then someone tipped off the Health Department about our persistent foot fungus problem, and coupled with the mouse issue, they shut us down. We had no choice but to hang up our karate pants. FYI Herb is offering to teach private karate lessons in our living room, so give us a call if you’re interested.

Note to Betty Yarmouth: Not you.

The happiest of holidays to you. May your hearts be filled with joy and your feet be free of fungus.

-Donna and Herb

 

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