Now that the holidays have officially begun, I have been poking around my boxes of Christmas decorations, planning for this year’s Winter Wonderland in my tiny NYC apartment. As I was surrounded by piles of glistening snowmen and angels, my mom called and reminded me of some of the hideous decorations I made for her as a kid. (A fierce Finnish broad, she has never been shy about telling me when she didn’t like something. Even childhood Crayon drawings were subject to her approval before she’d put them on the fridge. One giraffe I created didn’t make the cut because his neck wasn’t long enough: “This? This is NOT a giraffe. This is a horror.”)
But I didn’t really believe I’d made such ugly decorations until I unearthed this photo, taken at a Lutheran Church in Washington State. Man. Look at this mess: toothless me sporting a Republican Senator’s comb over, in some horrible Little House on the Prairie frock, sitting on a piano that routinely assaulted the congregation with horrid renditions of “Jesus Loves Me” (possibly causing some parishioners to briefly question the sentiment: “If I must endure this musical travesty every Sunday, does He really love me?”)
But more than anything: Just look at those homely, tragic decorations on that sad, depressed-looking tree. Damn. That’s a crusher of holiday joy right there.
Sorry mom. You were right.
So happy holiday season, everyone. I hope your kids make better decorations than I did. They can’t do much worse!