I recently read this fascinating fact on Twitter:
Ancient Egyptians believed that their god, Atum, created the universe by masturbating, so Pharaohs masturbated ceremonially into the Nile.
— Unknown Facts (@OlaInteresting) August 15, 2014
This is indeed valuable information about our ancestors, but now I have more questions than answers. Let’s just start with these:
1. What separated “Ceremonial Masturbation” from the regular kind? Fancy robes? Amulets? Chanting?
2. If Christians wear crosses and Jews wear Stars of David around their necks, what did the ancient Egyptians wear to commemorate The Great Masturbator?
3. How did a Pharaoh train to become a Ceremonial Masturbator? Did they attend “Semenary” School?
4. Did Ceremonial Masturbation become more intense around the holidays, drawing bigger crowds? Did they pass around a collection basket?
5. Who was The Last Ceremonial Masturbator? Who was the very last person to enjoy this honor? It’s a mystery I’d like solved. So Hollywood producers–listen up! You’d better believe that this is a biopic that will break box office records. I don’t care who you cast as the lead–but hire me to write it, damn it!