THINGS YOU SHOULD NOT BUY IN BULK:
1. Pregnancy Tests
If pregnancy tests in bulk sound like a viable bargain to you, perhaps you should consider joining A/A or leaving your cult.
Unless you’re the lunch lady at a Protestant summer camp (like the one I was forced to attend, “Camp Lutherwood” where we reenacted The Last Supper with felt finger puppets and had pre-scheduled pillow fights) you really shouldn’t need that much mayo.
3. Mouse Traps
Don’t you have higher aspirations? Honey, leave that apartment.
Now, some of you may not know what these are. They are fake turtlenecks that men of a certain era would put under their sweaters:
I was at a dinner party in California when the girlfriend of the host suddenly freaked out. She ran up to his bedroom, grabbed a handful of dickies from the dresser, flounced back downstairs and threw them in the Thai Peanut Chicken as she shrieked, “Dicky Dicky Dicky! That’s all you ever fucking wear! I hate you! What kind of an asshole would wear an orange sweater with a raspberry dicky? Fuck you and your dickies!”
She ran out and we sat in stunned silence. So then the host cleared his throat, swallowed some Thai Peanut Chicken and said, “Huh. I guess she just doesn’t like my dicky.”
Because it’s disgusting and you know it.