You may have heard about the abandoned Russian cruise ship that was seized by Canadian authorities, then unleashed in the Atlantic, where it has been floating around for over a year. This creaky, leaky, disco-era ghost ship is empty…except for a massive onboard populace of starving rats. With no food on the ship, experts assume they have taken to cannibalizing each other. (Something to consider the next time you bitch about long lines at the carving station on your next cruise.) This rat-infested nightmare is supposed to slam ashore somewhere in Ireland or the U.K. within the next few days.
But where others see disease, a plague of vermin and a biohazard, I see Hollywood potential!
This heartwarming, charming story of rat resilience and the romance of the sea is perfect for an animated Disney musical!
1. You get top actors to do the voices of the rats:
-Julia Roberts as the rat that is contractually obligated to laugh in this really loud, obnoxious way.
-Robert DeNiro and Al Pacino as the two rat villains. They wear fedoras and tiny pinstriped suits.
-Meryl Streep as the rat with an accent. Any accent. It doesn’t matter which one.
-Dustin Hoffman reprises his Ratso Rizzo role from “Midnight Cowboy”. Except he’d be animated. And an actual rat.
-Will Ferrell as the stupid rat with a lame catch phrase.
-Samuel L. Jackson, surprisingly cast against type as the mild-mannered rat preacher.
2. You get Randy Newman to write the songs.
Some of the crowd pleasers include:
-“Out Here on the Open Sea, Everyone Has Scurvy”
-“He Was My Friend, But Now He’s Dinner”
-“That Fat Rat Sure Can Scat!”