I’ve been reading a lot about how the NSA still maintains the right to listen in on our phone calls. Having an active imagination, I picture one guy getting assigned specifically to my landline. It would be a really cushy job. While eating cheetos and drinking Red Bull to keep himself awake, here’s a list of the top 7 things he might hear:
1. He’d have to get a translator for this one. You probably do too. This is my mom calling to tell me a few things in Finnish. Among them she says: “I hear there’s a snow storm coming to New York. You might as well get some practical snow shoes. I know you like wearing high heels. But you’re not fooling anyone. Everyone knows you’re short.”
2. Then he’d hear my dad calling 20 minutes later with this follow up in English:
3. He’d get to know the soup selection at the Morningstar Café really well.
4. He’d hear my doorman calling in a panic when my good friend and gorgeous drag queen, Cnt Dragula, stopped by for a visit in full makeup and a priest’s costume slit at the thigh.
5. He’d hear the same doorman calling to tell me that the pizza guy was here, but that I’d ordered from the wrong place. Nobody likes their pizza.
6. He’d hear me talking to my pal Al about which unsuspecting Upper West Side pedestrian was on the receiving end of her sidewalk rage that day.
7. And the bulk of the calls? Me nagging my guy Mike to buy some toilet paper on the way home.