Shopping At Tyrone Square Mall with Oscar Wilde

Dad drops Oscar Wilde and me off at the Food Court entrance. Oscar considers getting some pizza at Sbarro when the Hooters restaurant sign catches his eye.

He turns to me and says, “America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between.”

And I reply, “But their chicken wings are fucking delicious.”

So Oscar and I eat chicken wings at Hooters. While staring at the tight Hooters uniforms, Oscar says, “Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.”

And I reply, “I bet their feet really stink after a long day in those pantyhose and sneakers.”

Filled up on wings, we venture out into the mall. We laugh as we try on sunglasses at the Sunglass Hut. We guzzle an Orange Julius.
I threaten to buy him some pleated Dockers at Pants Towne. He counters by flirting with the staff at Lady Foot Locker.

Heading into Hot Topic, Oscar sees all the t-shirts covered in quotes and famous faces and says, “Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone elses opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation.”

And I reply, “Yeah but that Andy Warhol t-shirt is pretty cool.”

Next we stop at the Piercing Padoga, where Oscar briefly considers getting his nose pierced. I try to talk him out of it.
He snaps at me, “It is always a silly thing to give advice, but to give good advice is fatal.”

Now, I don’t mind it the first time.
But when he repeats it at Atomic Tattoos, I roll my eyes and say, “Fine. If you want a tramp stamp, I won’t stop you.”

Then we get an Auntie Annie’s pretzel.

We realize that our two hours are almost up and my dad is probably waiting out front to pick us up. We have just enough time to stop at Spencer Gifts. While standing in line to make his purchase, Oscar says, “We live in an age when unnecessary things are our only necessities.”

And I reply, “Yeah. I’m sure your pal Lord Alfred Douglas is gonna love that fake dog shit.”


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