The Velveeta Shortage Threat

Cheese
Just read the dire news about the impending Velveeta Shortage.
It’s a bit ironic that there’s a shortage looming, seeing as how Velveeta isn’t actually cheese (it’s “processed cheese product”) and became increasingly popular during WWII when Americans were denied access to foreign cheese. US government officials banned the sale and consumption of all types of cheese except for American cheese on May 4, 1942. So it was American “cheese” or nothing. Velveeta reaped the benefits. But unlike women drawing seams on their bare legs with eyebrow pencils to create the illusion of wearing stockings, this WWII fad never went away. (Same thing goes for SPAM.)

I’m not a snob or a foodie, but I find Velveeta utterly repulsive. The creepy texture, the smell, the color. Maybe it’s because I can’t even tell if the plastic on the slice has been pulled off before I’ve consumed it.

So I think it would be pretty damn funny if this shortage drove up the price of Velveeta. Then it would become a delicacy, only available in the finest homes and restaurants. There would be Velveeta tasting parties, and wine connoisseurs would instruct people which Bordeaux best accompanies this exquisite, rubbery delight. Gwyneth Paltrow would create expensive Velveeta recipes. Rap stars would brag about Velveeta-soaked debauchery at the hottest clubs.

As for me, I’d just be glad that my local greasy spoon diner would be priced out of the fancy Velveeta market, so I’d never find that florescent orange shit on my cheeseburger again.

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2 thoughts on “The Velveeta Shortage Threat

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