The Worst Kept Zoo In The World

When my parents lived in the tiny town of Cochran, Georgia there wasn’t much entertainment beyond drinking sweet tea after church on Sundays. They were bored. Then my dad discovered the pet store in town. Within one month he purchased a boa constrictor, an iguana, a tarantula and this parrot named Lauren.
-The boa constrictor managed to slither out the back door and into the deep Georgia woods, never to be heard from again.
-They left the iguana out in an enclosed glass terrarium in 95 degree weather, thinking it would like the heat. It burned to death. My dad mourned for days.
-The tarantula was returned to the pet store once my dad realized that the live crickets it fed on would sing before they got eaten. He couldn’t stand this creepy version of “singing for your supper”.
-As for this parrot, it disappointed my dad by refusing to say anything but its own name. Conversational skills were lacking. Plus it had a habit of sitting and shitting on the back of dad’s chair, pulling out what few strands of hair dad had left on his head. Lauren was eventually given away to a frat house at a local college.

Frankly, I think Lauren was better off there.


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