12 Reasons I’m Not A Woman’s Woman (and 6 Reasons I Just Might Be)

The term “man’s man” is thrown around a lot more frequently than “woman’s woman”.
People instinctively understand what a man’s man is. Hemingway, for example.
He’s the ultimate man’s man: fishing, bullfights, safaris, streamlined prose, lots of booze.
For women, it’s a bit hazy. Maybe Sarah Jessica Parker would be considered a woman’s woman. Maybe not.
But I do know I’m not one. At least, I’m pretty sure. At any rate, I came up with this list.
What about you?
What do you think a woman’s woman is?

12 Reasons I’m Not a Woman’s Woman

1. I don’t squeal over shoes or engagement rings. Or baked goods of any kind.

2. I think the word “cute” should be reserved for children and puppies and should never be used to refer to a grown woman’s appearance. When someone says to me, “OOOH! You look so CUUUTE!” I always wonder where I went wrong.

3. I despise brunch. I really do. I mean I just hate the whole concept, with “jazz brunch” being the worst offender. I hate mini-muffins, I hate gaggles of boring bitches sipping mimosas. I just can’t stand it. It even smells like depression: coffee breath, a hint of stale perfume from a gift set and the musty odor of some pathetic husband’s testicles that have been crammed into his wife’s handbag for the afternoon.

4. I don’t want you to call me when I’m depressed. I don’t want to discuss my feelings. I don’t want to “get it out”. I genuinely want you to leave me alone. It’s not about you. I’ll get in touch when I’m ready, but no sooner.

5. I WILL forget your birthday, and I don’t expect you to remember mine.

6. When a woman says, “I’m just a gay man in a woman’s body!” my automatic response is, “Oh, so you must really love cock” even though I know what she really means is she loves shopping and clothes. But I just think it’s an asinine comment. I’ve known gay lawyers, businessmen, go-go dancers, doctors, actors and teachers and the only thing they have in common is not the love of shopping but the love of men.

7. I will never have “an extra tampon in my purse” so don’t even ask. Use a wad of rolled up toilet paper and shut the fuck up like I do when I’m in an unexpected menstrual situation.

8. I hate requisite “smiling women hoisting glasses around a table, pretending to have the time of our lives” photos.
Why does every gathering have to be photographed? When did every after work happy hour become some treasured event? I’m just here for cheap drinks and conversation, no need to document the occasion.

9. I am not a tall, thin woman myself (far from it) but I just love long, lean, gazelle-like models. They’re exotic creatures with their jutting cheekbones, hipbones and collarbones. I like ‘em bony, the opposite of me. Yes, I also think Christina Hendricks is beautiful. But I would not want to see her on a runway. And I don’t feel bad about this. I don’t see fashion models as role models any more than I feel bad about my piss-poor basketball skills after watching the Miami Heat in action.

10. Chocolate never has and never will be “better than sex.” That’s just stupid.

11. I have never referred to myself as a “diva”. Maria Callas was a diva.
But just because you’ve got an expensive handbag/cellphone/car that you’re still paying for and think it’s “cute” to be late all the time and get bitchy with the waiter doesn’t make you a “diva”. It makes you an asshole.

12. Give me an impersonal Hilton Hotel where I can come and go unannounced over some quaint Bed and Breakfast where I have to talk to “that nice couple” who annoy the shit out of me.

6 Reasons I Just MIGHT be a Woman’s Woman:

1. I love margaritas and sangrias and have been known to laugh way too loudly with “my girls” at Mexican restaurants across the nation. We are obnoxious as hell and I know it. I usually think, “Man, if I wasn’t seated at this table I would totally hate us right now.”

2. I love ridiculously small but incredibly pretty overnight bags for romantic trips to picturesque seaside towns.

3. If you are rude to one of my friends, you’ll hear about it from me. If you disrespect my friend, I will throw down at a bar, a restaurant—I don’t care. You’re getting the wrath of Dutton. If you’re my friend, I won’t put up with anyone disrespecting you.

4. I love to cook for my friends. And you’ll never eat off of plastic plates. It’s a full on dinner party with pretty napkins and candles and just the right music.

5. I enjoy baby pictures on Facebook. Now those I will call “cute”.

6. I will always think you look beautiful in your wedding dress. Even if it’s your 3rd wedding and I know it’s only a matter of time before I’m at your 4th.

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