A Condo Commando Newsletter

Senior Woman Using Laptop

Hello and welcome back to the Sunset Sands Condos here in sunny Pinellas County Florida!!!! While all of our friends, kids and grandkids are up north freezing their patooties off , shoveling snow and trudging through sleet, we have our little slice of heaven right here on the Gulf of Mexico!

For those of you who are new to our wonderful community, my name is Alma Platsky, and I have taken it upon myself to write and distribute this (unofficial) Sunset Sands Condo newsletter. Yes, I continue to do it even though I have been denied access to the Homeowners Association xerox machine, AND despite veiled legal threats by a certain cranky couple in Building C.
(And you KNOW how you are, but you have some nerve because you are always hanging towels off your balcony EVEN THOUGH it specifically says in the CONDO GUIDELINES number 182 that this is AGAINST condo regulations.)

But I WILL perservere, and continue to keep you informed about the events that affect us here at Sunset Sands. For some of us, it is our year-round home, and we refuse to allow basic life issues to go willy-nilly.

I’d like to begin by addressing a recently discovered problem. It seems that some little hooligan has managed to scrape off the vital letter “P” on the “LEAVE YOUR PASS ON THE DASH” sign in the parking lot. The sign is now mildly obscene. I believe it’s the handiwork of the grandson of a real estate agent (who dresses like she’s 45 instead of 65) in Building B. But as of yet, I have no proof. I have repeatedly taken a felt tip pen to write in the “P” but the rain keeps washing it away.

After doing some research, I discovered that we can purchase a new “P” from Beach Hardware for the reasonable price of $1.50. I suggest we take a vote at the next Board Meeting on using Condo funds for the purchase of a new “P”.
NOTE: This MUST be resolved soon. I am embarrassed to have my guests see this sign.

The second issue that is still unresolved is the toilet situation. Despite numerous attempts, not everyone has switched over to the new low-water flow Japanese toilets.
(My those Japanese are so efficient! Who knew they would trump us not just on cars but on TOILETS too? What happened to good old fashioned American know-how?)
While it’s hard to believe, SOME people are STILL not replacing those old, water hemorrhaging toilets with these super, water-conserving johns. As Mr. Platsky and I told everyone at the “wine, cheese and toilet demonstration party” these toilets are a dream. Now, I know SOME of you who are only here for a month or two out of the year think you don’t have to worry about conserving water.
(Like a certain couple from England in Building A who stay for a month and pollute the pool area with their filthy British slang that they only THINK the rest of us can’t understand. I may not know exactly what a “wanker” is but I DO KNOW dirty when I hear dirty.)
The truth is, when it comes to keeping community water costs low, EVERY DROP COUNTS! United we stand, divided we fall when it comes to our toilets.

The third item on our agenda is The Pigeon Man. He insists upon feeding the pigeons in the pubic beach access area right by our parking lot. And you KNOW what this means. The full-bellied pigeons drop their doo-doo right on our cars and balconies. Yuck!
(I’m sorry but there really IS NO delicate way of putting this.)

We have tried to stop this man, but he is determined. He calls pigeon feeding his civil right, and is passing out mean-spirited flyers all along Gulf Boulevard. Not only is he dirty, shirtess, and long-haired, but I think he is a socialist too. His presence is harmful to our community. So let’s make our voices heard at the next City Hall meeting. We have more weight in local politics than he does, because we are upstandstanding, tax paying voters and he is a bum whom I also think is an alcoholic.
(Really, do we want this dirty, shirtless, long-haired, socialist, alcoholic pigeon feeder near our grandchildren when they visit?)

And on the subject of doo-doo, we need to start cracking down on guests who allow their children to swim in the pool while wearing diapers. Perhaps not all of you were able to read the article I posted in all the elevators before some VERY RUDE PERSON ripped them down, but if a child messes in his diaper and then swims in the pool, you are essencially swiming in feces. Not pretty! This contributes to a number of diseases, and let’s face it, as people get older, the immune system weakens and some waterlogged, soiled diaper could contribute to salmonella and the eventual death of you or your neighbor. Would you want to be the one to give the eulogy at that funeral? My friend died because Sunset Sands didn’t enforce the diaper rule?

Mr. Platsky and I were thinking that we need to hire somone to sit at the pool on diaper patrol.

(Actually, if the pack of loudmouths who play poker all day down there were a little more civic minded, we wouldn’t need to. But that’s another story.)
We could enact a “three strikes and you’re out” policy. Those who “struck out” could have their pictures posted in the lobby, which might actually be an improvement over those awful parrot portraits we have down there now. Perhaps they could be done in sepia tones, or something equally eye pleasing, and yet still informative as to who is no longer allowed in the pool area.
NOTE: Let’s address this at the next Board Meeting.

And now fellow Sunset Sanders, as I come to the end of this newsletter, I’d like to pose a final, all-encompassing question:
Why can’t we all just be more respectful of one another and obey the Condo Guidelines?

Why does the woman above me, who is vastly over-weight, insist upon doing her aerobics while I am entertaining my guests, when the vibrations from her pouding up and down rattle the iced tea glasses? Besides which, all that leaping around in the living room will not work off the mounds of Toll House cookies and Hagen Daaz ice cream I saw her purchasing at the Food Mart last Wednesday.
(By the way, does anyone else think the quality of the meat department there is slipping?)

Why can’t everyone understand that if you are going to have a flowerbox, plastic or silk flowers are best? The real ones are so messy and somehow look less vibrant than the silk ones. In the long run, they are also cheaper and Sandy’s Silk Sensations at 1222 Dolphin Drive offers a wide variety that would even please certain “green thumbs” from Building C.
(And you KNOW who you are because I slipped and almost fell on one of your rotting azalea petals.)

Why do the Greeks and Italians here insist upon cooking with so many onions and smelling up our hallways? I know you are proud of your “old country” specialties, but really, you are in America now, and would it kill you to make a nice, normal pot roast once in a while?

Why does that odious tiki bar next door to us still play that loud rock and roll music all night, despite our repeated complaints, when we are decent citizens and they are all tattooed beach trash?
(And how can we stand tall against them when three prominent men from Building A keep lying to their wives about going to the gym and instead are boozing it up there for Happy Hour?)

Why does a certain real estate agent from Building B (who thinks she’s the cat’s meow in her leopard print sarong and keeps eyeing my Frank) continue to walk around with bare feet in the lobby when it specifically states in the GUIDELINES number 157 “NO BARE FEET IN THE LOBBY AREA”?

Anyway, a warm welcome back to the Sunset Sands Condos, a place where we can relax in the balmy breeze and leave all our cares behind. Remember that we are having a potluck brunch in the clubhouse this Sunday. Everyone is expected to bring something yummy.
(P.S.—I have spoken with Jeanette Smiley and she agreed not to bring her nutbread. I think we all remember last year when a piece of my bridgework came loose after biting into a piece of her rock hard baked goods.)

Until next time-
ALMA PLATSKY

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