Hello all you groovers and movers and shakers–
I’m back after a week long trip to St. Petersburg, Florida!
I had a hell of a good time.
The first day we headed straight to St. Pete Beach. I remarked how mellow and nice everyone was. Everyone was smiling and saying hello to strangers and such.
But then I noticed that a little piece of New York attitude had followed me to the Sunshine State. Yes, it took the form of these beautiful shoe imprints in the sand, imploring me with one sole to “Eat Shit” as the other sole followed it up with, “Asshole”.
Later we went to one of my favorite beach bars, Woody’s. Now, I am ashamed to admit that I wimped out on getting the photo I really wanted. I can’t believe I was such a pussy. I’m like the photojournalist who’s too afraid to get the close up shot of a lion. (Except, you know, I don’t get paid for my shitty photos.)
So, I saw this woman who had the most outrageous frosted, feathered, permed butt cut perched on her head. I mean it looked as though it had been preserved from 1986. It was huge. It was…indescribably amazing. Words fail me, which is why I desperately wanted to capture its glory. But when I stood up and tried to snap a stealthy shot, she was onto me right away. She looked up from her rum and coke in a plastic cup and lo, I was afraid. Quick thinker that I am, I pretended that my intention all along was to snap a photo of the water. So instead of her luscious mane, you get this boring photo:
I know. Like I said–I’m a pussy.
The next night was New Years Eve. My pal Mike greeted 2013 with exuberant aplomb…
While this woman’s new year’s resolution must have been to cut down on spending by buying jewelry, wearing it and not removing the price tag so she can return it the next day. She’s one savvy shopper!
At the end of our trip, we went to Weeki Wachee to see the mermaid show, which has been a unique Florida attraction since 1947:
The mermaids ended with a patriotic flourish, by unfurling the American flag underwater to the tune of “I’m Proud To Be An American”:
Later, I violated this mermaid statue in a most uncouth way, while mom’s sly grin makes her guilty by association:
We sat down to have some lunch and noticed some peacocks strutting around. I was pretty impressed by these female peacocks…
Even when one tried to steal Mike’s beer…
But much like I have many times with humans, I lost all interest in the females once the male peacock came sauntering by, entrancing me with his suave moves…
Once we’d had enough, we headed back to the parking lot, where we found this shady peacock casing the place, clearly trying to decide which car to steal:
When we were waiting to board the plane for our flight back to New York, I started to get a little freaked out. Because the cast of characters was straight out of a 1970’s disaster movie.
I’m not kidding. There was this Greek Orthodox bigwig, who was escorted by several policemen:
There was this sweet old married couple munching on licorice:
AND…there was a set of identical twin boys…dressed in identical clothes!
As you can imagine, I was a little shaken getting on the plane, seeing as how I am an aficionado of 1970’s disaster films. I mean, I just knew how this script was going to unfold. Then as soon as we reach cruising altitude, the pilot says over the loudspeaker: “A warm welcome to the championship 5th grade Lacrosse team!”
I about peed my pants. At that point, I KNEW that plane was going down. It was so obvious that we were just one faded movie star away from disaster film perfection.
But clearly, since you’re slogging your way through this blog post, I was wrong. We all made it back to New York in one piece. Including the Greek Orthodox bigwig, who waited patiently for his baggage with the rest of us…