The Exorcist Hotline

I just read that the Catholic church has been inundated, overwhelmed with desperate, frantic people believing that they, their children (or for fans of 1950’s humor) their mothers-in-law are possessed by the Devil. Yes, the scent of sulphur is strong, and calling plans are plentiful. It appears the Catholic church has become a “job creator”, with the need for exorcists doubling in the past 15 years.
Folks, take note: there is real growth in this industry.
In fact, there are so many demon-infused people with cell phones at the ready that an Exorcist Hotline has been established in Milan.

Now, I’m going to assume that this hotline is actually staffed with human beings, rather than an automated system. I should think that if the Devil is ravaging your immortal soul, the last thing you’d want to do is listen for a phone prompt. cigar

But what if I’m wrong? What if there IS an automated system at the Exorcist Hotline?
Picture it. You’re wild-eyed, your head is spinning, your skin is covered in strange gashes…
…yet somehow, you manage to get to a phone and dial the Exorcist Hotline number:

Hello, you have reached the Exorcist Hotline. Your call is very important to us.

For english, press one
Para español, marque dos
For blasphemous latin phrases, press three

If you are spewing green bile, press one
If you are doing unspeakable things with a crucifix, press two
If you are levitating, press three

If you would like to schedule a priest to banish your demons, press one
For extra holy water, press two
For multiple priests, press three

If you’d like to speak with a representative, press zero.
Thank you.
Please hold.
We will be with you shortly.

HOLD MUSIC at the Exorcist Hotline:


One thought on “The Exorcist Hotline

  1. – Thank you for calling the Time Warner exorcist hotline. Please speak or say the account holder’s social security number. If the account holder is not available, please speak or say your Hellspawn name.

    – Az…az…az… zay… zel…

    – I’m sorry. I didn’t udnerstand what you meant. Please speak or say your Hellspawn name.

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