Pumpkin Spice Ban: The Definitive List

During the autumnal months between September through November, you’ll find pumpkin spice scent and flavor infused into pretty much everything. People really go nuts for pumpkins this time of year. It’s like some weird psychosis overtakes the nation, a collective scream for our favorite seasonal gourd.

Yes, even if you’re hailing a cab in NYC; breathing in over-groomed shih tzu piss and vomit fumes from last night’s bar crawl, you still want to believe that you’re just a hop, skip and a jump away from a picturesque pumpkin patch scattered with orange, brown and burnt sienna leaves. (Has Crayola discontinued that Crayon yet? It was a childhood favorite of mine.)

Now, there are already some pumpkin infused things that I feel are completely unnecessary, like beer. And the revolting non-dairy slushy sample someone gave me on the street yesterday. So I decided to write this list of things that should never, EVER be infused with pumpkin spice, lest anyone out there get any more funny ideas…


1. Tampons

2. Sushi

3. Your Proctologist’s Office

4. Your Local Sex Shop. Think about it–Do you want to experience a rush of childhood memories involving grandma’s house and apple picking when you’re in the process of choosing a Double Dong Dildo? Probably not. So, by extension we can add:

5. Lube
6. Gimp Suit

7. Steak Sauce

8. Dr. Scholl’s Bunion Pads

9. Okra. (Only because I hate okra, no matter how it’s prepared.)

10. Wart Remover


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