I’m a little stressed out right now, with my big move coming up and some other tedious annoyances that aren’t worth writing about.
When I’m nervous, I find Agatha Christie books to be really soothing. It sounds odd, but there’s something about how each murder is so skillfully plotted and accessorized, with beautiful hats, gloves and afternoon tea service (complete with scones and cucumber sandwiches) that just calms me down.
What’s even more soothing about reading them is that I have a stack of ancient Agatha Christie paperbacks pilfered from the basement of a family friend. Even though I’ve had them since I was 12, they still smell like her basement; a murky outpost of broken toys, old clothes, unwanted gifts and her husband used to sit down there drinking whisky while he plucked a pile of dead ducks he’d shot on hunting trips. Huh. Okay, so that all sounds pretty creepy. But these book covers are so gorgeous:
Of course, since I’ve seen all of these productions many times over, I thought I’d do some research to see if there were any new ones in the works. I was hoping for another glamorous, big budget, big screen, all-star production like “Death on the Nile” “Evil Under The Sun” or “Murder on the Orient Express”.
Imagine my surprise when I discovered that some evil Disney honchos got their clutches on my beloved Agatha Christie and have cast JENNIFER GARNER as Miss Marple! JENNIFER fucking GARNER for fuck’s sake.
And she’s not going to live in the little village of St. Mary Mead! Or even England for that matter! WHAT ABOUT MY PRE-MURDER AFTERNOON TEA SERVICE?
It’s enough to give me the vapors. I don’t need this added stress right now.
Then I started to imagine how Disney might revamp classic Miss Marple titles to fit in with their [shudder] young, toned, fit, cool new version of this charming spinster sleuth and came up with this list:
1. Murder Is Tweeted
2. The Body In The Yoga Studio
3. By the Thumbing of His Prick
4. A Rocket Full of Guys
5. Power Napping Murder
6. The Laptop Crack’d From Side to Side
7. Murder at the Mac Store Genius Bar
(Original English title, “iMurder”)
8. Why Didn’t They Ask Kaitlyn?
9. At Caesar’s Palace Hotel
10. The F Train to Brooklyn