The Program Undertaking Sanitized Sleaze of Yesteryear: PUSSY

Ladies and gentlemen…may I present New York’s Mayor Michael Bloomberg:

Good afternoon everyone. I’ve called this press conference today to discuss a very important new program in our New York City government. As you can see, I’m very excited about it. But before I unveil this program, I feel it’s important to give some background information.

Due to my predecessor Rudy Giuliani’s efforts in the 1990’s and my continued vigilance upon being elected Mayor in 2002, New York City has seen a remarkable decrease in crime. In 2009, the murder rate was the lowest on record in over 40 years. Real estate prices have shot up to unprecedented levels. Despite downturns in most other major cities, New York City property values have continued to increase. Areas such as the Lower East Side that only a decade ago were considered undesirable are now booming with new high rises, boutiques and restaurants.

Times Square has been transformed from a seedy cesspool of porn into a tourist-friendly, Disneyfied family destination. The Meat Packing District, once the scene of transvestites and fat men in bloody butchers aprons, is now teeming with attractive scene makers in trendy clothes. More and more young professionals are discovering the joy and convenience of having a nanny push a Bugaboo around the Upper West Side instead of moving to New Jersey.

The city is in short, a Public Relations dream.

Now, while I personally don’t see a problem with any of this, I’ve been informed by some of my staffers that certain tourists and even native New Yorkers are feeling a sense of loss. They have expressed the concern that the grit, or scrappiness, or “authenticity” of the city have diminished. But this doesn’t have to be the case. Artistic edge and gentrification can co-exist.

Knowing that millions of tourist dollars are at stake and concerned that some European tourists may head to places like Detroit instead of New York for an authentic American gritty experience, my staffers and I have come up with a solution that will please both those who are looking for grit and property owners concerned about making a return on their investments…

It’s called the Program Undertaking Sanitized Sleaze of Yesteryear, or PUSSY.

In short, we will be cordoning off two blocks of St. Mark’s Place and modeling it on the educational tourist attraction of Colonial Williamsburg in Virginia. This facilitates both marketing and souvenir opportunities. Also, tickets will be offered through TicketMaster, and this strip will be referred to as “The St. Mark’s Experience”. This strip will seek to recreate this gritty New York that tourists claim they cannot find anymore. For examples of this New York, please refer to Martin Scorcese’s “Mean Streets” and early ’70s episodes of Sesame Street that are now packaged with warning labels for children.
Some of the ideas we have are as follows:

1. We will be hiring out of work actors to portray “artists” creating “art”. This behooves the city, as we will portray artistic endeavor in a realistic way that enthralls tourists while not having to deal with actual artists who are often shiftless, scatterbrained oddballs who cannot pay the rent.

2. Seeking to offer a certain brand of “New York Danger” (trademarked phrase), we will scatter assorted syringes on sidewalks, although they will obviously not contain any actual needles and/or drugs.

3. Much like Colonial Williamsburg has butter churning lessons, our St. Mark’s Experience graffiti specialists will show tourists from Midwestern states how to spray paint on specially sanctioned and officially constructed subway cars and stoops. There will also be breakdancers and rappers. Retro ’80s style boomboxes will be available for purchase.

4. Being that the actual Chelsea Hotel is now under renovation (and will include a shiny new retail space and upscale lobby) we will recreate the seedier Chelsea Hotel of yore. Yes, you too will be able to experience the artfully squalid environs that once housed William S. Burroughs and Bob Dylan. We’re particularly happy to announce plans for an interactive video exhibit called SID VS. NANCY in which the tourist can literally step in Punk Rocker Sid Vicious’ shoes and stab his girlfriend. Fake blood will be an option for an extra fee. This “blood” will be a mixture cornstarch and red food coloring.

5. There will be pick pockets and “dealers” who will in reality be selling delicious candy for the whole family to enjoy. This “candy” will be a mixture of cornstarch and sugar.

6. We’ll offer a true to life 1970’s Porn Theatre. While in deference to family values we won’t actually show any porn, being true to historic detail, we will showcase fake semen on the floor and on certain chairs. This “semen” will be a mixture of cornstarch and Elmer’s glue.

7. People will be hired to offer tourists thrilling sidewalk conversation that is becoming scarce these days. Sanctioned New York State St. Mark’s Experience expressions, that will be trademarked and put on T-shirts will be such gems of yesteryear as:
– “Hey Buddy Are You Holding?”
– “Your Money Or Your Life?”
– “There’s a party at my rundown yet ridiculously cheap loft in Soho. There will be performance art too.”

These are just a few of the ideas we have. As I said, we are very excited about “The St. Marks Experience”. It will bring a sense of vitality to the city without diminishing gentrification efforts. Unlike offering opportunities to actual artists, hiring people to portray artists will not damage property values or city revenue. Our slogan is “Artistic Edge Without Neighborhood Damage”.

As always, the New York City government is an equal opportunity employer.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s