The Secret Sex Lives of Advertising Mascots


While buttering some toast this morning, the sexy Land O’ Lakes maiden caught my eye. I remembered a co-worker of mine telling me that when he was a kid, he used to fold the box over to make her knees look like tits. “And lemme tell you,” he said, “her knees made some hot tits.”
This prompted serious consideration about other mascots and their sexual merits:

1. Mr. Peanut: This dapper fellow exudes a very kinky vibe. Does weird shit with his monocle.

2. Mrs. Butterworth: Strictly missionary. Just lays there, refusing to mess up her bun.

3. The Kool-Aid guy: Has an annoying habit of shouting “OH YEAAAHH!” every time he cums.

4. Chester Cheeto: Complaints about his dick cheese are well documented.

5. The Chiquita Banana woman: Caliente! And if you get hungry during sex, you could just grab some fruit off her hat.

6. The Hamburger Helper hand: Show me another mascot more perfectly suited for quality finger banging.

7. Mr. Clean: A little OCD. Makes you scrub your nether regions before AND immediately after sex.

8. Flo from Progressive Insurance: A little needy. Curls up in a ball afterwards, weeping and mumbling, “Do you think I’m pretty? Do you really think I’m pretty?”

9. The M&M guys: They melt in your mouth, not in your hands. So, you don’t have to wash the sheets as much.

10. Tony the Tiger: Oddly enough, he’s not so grrrrrrreat.

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3 thoughts on “The Secret Sex Lives of Advertising Mascots

  1. That very serious African American spokesman from Allstate: just won’t shut up with the somber retelling of how he got you into bed and constantly assures you that “you’re in good hands,” whether you think so or not.

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