I’d like to begin by stating that I have been a fag hag since I was 5-years-old, when I asked my mom for a Paul Lynde lunchbox. Being from a rural area in Finland, she could not grasp the concept of a “lunchbox”, let alone Paul Lynde. She presented me with a cigar box, upon which I pasted several pictures of Paul Lynde that I cut out of an old Bon Appetit Magazine. I also pasted a photo of his “Millionaire’s Salad”.
So I feel that I come from a place of some authority on this issue, even though I’m not a gay man. And I need to tell you good time girls something:
You are really fucking annoying.
You teeter into gay clubs, shrieking, laughing and thinking you look so damn cute. You carry with you the same entitlement that you take to straight clubs, the idea that you’re “sitting on a goldmine”. Newsflash: you’re surrounded by gay men. They don’t want your pussy. They don’t even want to think about your pussy. Your pussy is about as relevant as the last piece of sweaty cheese after an office holiday party.
And why must you come to gay clubs in packs? Or worse, bachelorette parties? You ruin the whole vibe. You wander around like you’re on vacation in a foreign land. You pretend to dance with abandon and gingerly put dollar bills into g-strings like you’re the most daring sexual renegades that ever walked the earth. Some of you even stare and point. Guess what? You and your pack of giggling idiots aren’t adorable or funny. You are rude. You reek of self-satisfaction.
And honestly, aren’t there enough Señor Frogs-type establishments you can go to where you can sing into your Miller Lite beer bottles and talk about your insensitive boyfriends?
I’m certainly not saying that there should be no straight women in gay clubs. I love to go to gay clubs. But never in a bachelorette party pack. It’s disrespectful. The ratio should be the reverse of straight clubs. You know how sexy girls get in for free at straight clubs because they don’t want too many men? Well, it’s payback time. Bring at least one gay male for every straight female. It’s only fair.